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For those of you who missed the letterman appearance. Here is my ameture transcribing of the interview. welcome back to the show tom. where do you live now

I live in a place called spittleville


theres a lot of towns around there with names of secretions


I don't know how that happened I don't know either

Is this on the west coast

its in California yes

did you have a nice thanksgiving. a big family gathering and stuff there

I raked a lot of leaves

thats good

its the only way i can be alone on the holidays, no one wants to help you

and what do the kids do on thanksgiving

well you know its normal to a certain point. and then i overheard my son saying to a friend of his "what have you been doing. Well you know we watch a lot of TV. and uh later i said to him you don't watch a lot of TV we don't have a TV I shot the TV. Is that right you shot the TV he says I'm not talking about television dad I'm talking about turkey vultures turkey vultures?

and thats what we watch a lot of... in town

what can one learn from watching the turkey vultures.

you know they have a humiliating experience, most of them are hit by cars while dining, the problem is they are so light that they eat and they eat and they eat and they cant take off.

really they consume so much food they cant take flight

so you gotta choose if you wanna get hit by a car or throw up


its a tough choice

that is humiliating, so at the very end they have to throw up so they can fly again

but you know i mean there are a lot of things that we all go through that are just as humiliating.; You know trying on clothes. But I feel for them.

Do you enjoy living in a small town.

Well I do and I don't At first I felt like an unplugged appliance. it took some time to get used to where i was. the problem was at the supermarket the people are very friendly and they want to look at all the food that you buy and they want to build a story about em. they feel compelled. i hate it. now the things i choose to purchase aren't really things I want. They are only things I think will make a good story or a less embarrassing story.

So the cashier puts together a narrative based on your items

a quick one ... you know if its pizza . "o a pizza party" but then if its razor blades and TP well then... you don't want to go there.

i consider you a well read man... perhaps scholarly. What kind of lesson have you learned from reading is it some great general purpose in life or is it more specific silly little everyday kind of things.

Well i wouldn't say silly. But I would say every day..the most interesting. thing i heard is my father in law sends a lot of strange and unusual facts. and one of them was the origin of dead ringer ...

you hear it all the time

you hear all the time but most have no idea what it is

example would be your a dead ringer for waits

exactly and your a dead ringer for dave

but u what happened i have to go way back to the 16yth cent. the tomato was considered a poisonous fruit. no one would e eat tomatoes but the problem was that they were served on the lead plates. and the lead leeched into the tomatoes. but it was giving the appearance of death. and a doctor in the community realized that most of the people who had been buried recently hadn't actually expired. and it was alarming

yeah you wanna get to the bottom of that

they opened the lid of the coffins and found scratch marks. So the new law was that you had to tie a string around everyone who died. they had to have a string around their wrist. and you run it up through the roof of the coffin and you put it over the limb of the tree and you put a bell on the end. And that would connote a dead ringer

its a dead ringer right. I'm glad we got to the bottom of that

theres one other job involved. That would be the guy who had to sit in the chair and listened for the dead ringer. and thats called the graveyard shift.